THE PHILADELPHIA SOUL MUST FULFILL THEIR DESTINY AND SAVE US ALL

I haven’t posted anything in a while.  Post-deportation has been tough and time-consuming.  The Phillies stink and today Charlie Manuel got fired.  Needless to say, I’m not a happy phan right now.  So what is the only thing that could possibly cheer me up right now??  A PHILADELPHIA SOUL WORLD PHUCKING CHAMPIONSHIP!!

I’ll be honest.  I haven’t watched a single Soul game all season.  I tried to watch the conference championship last weekend, but the hotel I was staying in had lousy internet and it wouldn’t play.  I’m not even going to act like I can name a single player other than Tiger Jones.  However, I do know that it’s always a perfect time to hop on a bandwagon.  So, let’s root the hell outta the Soul tomorrow and go to the parade next week.  We all deserve it.

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RUBEN RETOOLSⅡ

Ruben Retools II

If you missed it, here’s the original.

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A BREAK IN THE PHANATIC’S PHATHER SEARCH?

Even through my recent deportation and subsequent rebuilding of the Phan empire, I haven’t ceased the search for the Phillie Phanatic’s missing phather.  I’ve found a few clues here and there since my last post about the search.

I found this picture of former Phillie and loudmouth Fox commentator, Tim McCarver, introducing the Phanatic to everyone on Captain Noah’s show.  Could McCarver be the deadbeat dad?  The resemblance between the two is striking…

Daddy?

Daddy?

I was all set to haphazardly name McCarver as the Phanatic’s phather and then I was sent this via Twitter:

snuffyI have to admit that I wasn’t thinking about a non-human/non-Phanatic phather.  There are definite similarities between the Phanatic and Mr. Snuffleupagus.  I hadn’t really believed it, however, until I read this major bombshell today from The Good Phight.  Please, go ahead and read it.  I’ll wait here.

I know right?!?  A half-Snuffleupagus in Philly around the same time as the Phanatic.  This is no coincidence.  Mr. Zookeeni has to be some sort of relation to the Phanatic.  Phather, cousin, or dare I say, illegitimate son?  There’s some more digging to be done, but now I’m convinced that the Phanatic’s phather is not human, but rather some other species (phanatic or snuffleupagus).  We are getting closer, however, to discovering the true identity of the Phanatic’s phather.

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KEEP YOUR HIGH HOPES, DOPES

The Phillies are no longer losers.  They aren’t exactly winners either.  With a .500 record and a lot of baseball left to play, they are still contenders.  You can read article after article about how the Phillies should actually have a much worse record than they do and we’re foolish to believe that the team can win enough games to make the postseason.  However, that’s what sets Philadelphia sports phans apart from being phans from any other city.  We believe all the time.

Maybe it’s sheer stupidity, insanity, or stubbornness, but I still believe that the Phillies can win the NL East.  I’ve seen teams in every sport get hot at the right time and win.  It happens all of the time.  Maybe the Phillies really aren’t good enough to make a run at it.  But, what’s the point in watching if you don’t believe?  It’s why we all have gray hair, drink, smoke, etc while watching the game.  We believe, we care.  If we didn’t then we’d be as good as Florida sports fans or Natinals (sic) fans.  So if you don’t believe, that’s fine.  Just STPhU and don’t ruin it for the rest of us.

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DEPORTATION COMPLETE

The Phan Phamily is back in the United States of America.  My Mini-Chooch induced deportation happened last week.  Fortunately, the American officials that reclaimed us didn’t give us any trouble as we came through Ellis Island.

EllisIslandLiberty12Since, we’ve been back to the Land That I Love, I haven’t had much time to do anything Philly Sports related.  I’ve seen a few innings of the Phillies and that’s it.  I even missed Sharknado last night.  However, once I sort my life back out and complete the necessary paperwork (SMPhH x’s infinity), then I’ll be back to resume the search for the Phanatic’s phather and provide the usual dopey content that you’ve come to love and expect.  Love yous!

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MINI-CHOOCH GOT DEPORTED TO PANAMA

Early this morning, the Chilean government came and took Mini-Chooch away.  I don’t even know what to say.  I’m heartbroken.  He’s being sent to Panama immediately.  Mrs. Phan inexplicably took a picture of the ordeal…

minichoochdeportedI’m hoping he’ll be happier in the long run in Panama.  They actually care about baseball up there and he’ll fit in a lot better than he did here.  I don’t think I’ll ever be able to eat iguanas fritas again.  Hopefully we’ll be able to visit him sometime soon.  I don’t know if we’ll be allowed to though.  SMPhH this is the worst.

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SO I’M GETTING DEPORTED

You may have noticed that I haven’t been updating the site very much lately. Well, there’s a reason for that. I got myself deported by the Chilean government.  Yes, this is the most SMPhH worthy thing that I’ve probably ever done.  I’ve been legally cleared to discuss it, so here it is…

Short story goes like this…somebody from the Chilean International Police read my posts about Mini-Chooch.  If you don’t know who Mini-Chooch is, then you need to read my posts more often.  ICYMI, Mini-Chooch is my cloned Carlos Ruiz (done in Bolivia).  It turns out that human cloning is very frowned upon here in Chile.

I’m not that broken up about moving back to the States, because I’ll get to see family and Philly sports again.  Mrs. Phan is pissed though.  We had a good gig down here and I screwed that up royally.  The absolute worst part of the entire debacle is that Mini-Chooch is getting deported too.  However, he isn’t allowed to go to the U.S. with us, he has to go back to Panama.  He almost had to go to Bolivia, but I managed to convince them since I retrieved Carlos Ruiz’s DNA in Panama and Real Chooch is Panamanian, then he should go back to be with his people.

Sigh...

Sigh…

So the only good news is that although I’ll still be displaced, I’ll much less so.  I’m not sure where exactly we’ll end up.  Maybe I’ll take my talents to South Beach (PhML).  I’ve worked a deal for a voluntary deportation so we can stick around for a couple more weeks and we won’t have to leave immediately.  I’ll keep you all posted on how it goes, but just keep SMPhHing in my honor and start a prayer circle for the Phans.

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