EAGLES VS GIANTS: DISPLACED PHAN’S EMOTIONAL/PSYCHOLOGICAL STATE RECAP

PRE-GAME:

It was Brian Dawkins night and he came out of the tunnel in typical fashion as he sacrificed a lamb at midfield and threw the severed head into the crowd.  Everyone is sent into a frenzy…

YES!! WEAPON X!! RIP GIANT HEADS OFF!! KILL THE PIG, CUT ITS THROAT, BASH IT IN!!!!

INTENSITY LEVEL: 368,743,543,681.65³

1st Quarter:

Vick and Eli are getting murdered on every play, so it’s a win-win.

Defenses = 1  Offenses = 0

2nd Quarter:

No one is scoring or doing much offensively.  The red wine from dinner is making me sleepy.  SUDDENLY…

Rob Carr/Getty Images

JACCPOT SUCKAZ!!  WAKE THE PH- UP!!

3rd Quarter:

I hate this stupid ass-clown.

Victor Cruz scores a touchdown and horrible NBC has salsa music cued up.  I was sent into a Twitterous rage spewing hateful anti-NBC propaganda.

4th Quarter:

The Eagles take the lead as Alex Henery hits his 4th field goal of the game which is good (yay points!) and bad (score an ph-ing touchdown).  I also know his name now since the team cut Henry and brought back Mat “Cowboys Stink” McBriar.

This is Henery. He is not Henry.

Emotional State = Guarded Optimism

However,

1 minute and 34 seconds later = Extreme dread followed by euphoria!

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! PH-YOU YOU STUPID ASS PH-ING GIANTS!! HOW’S NOT BEING IN FIRST PLACE TASTE??  YOU STUPID                     ($%&@)$&%(!$ING $*(@&%($@ERS!!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But then, a cruel M. Night Shyamalan twist!

…May God have mercy on your soul…

INTENSITY LEVEL: 0.014

But then, in our darkest hour, Brian Dawkins opened the Eagles Matrix of Leadership…

You’ve got the touch, you’ve got the power…YEAH!!

…*holding breath, fingers crossed, rocking back and forth, muttering incoherently*…

…*bowels released*…

…!!…

…HAHA!…

…BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!… *fist pumps, high fiving Flyers Cat*…

God Bless America, Brian Dawkins, and the Philadelphia Eagles! *wipes tear*

The moral of the story is:  The Eagles own the Giants and always wear a pair of Depends when watching the game.  E-A-G-L-E-S!  EAGLES!!  FIRSTEST PLACE!!

I also must commend Michael Vick for learning how to play the quarterback position.  He clearly thought a lot about what he had done during his time in the timeout chair this past week.

*Field Goal GIF from SB Nation.

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About Displaced Phan

Displaced Phan is a Philly Sports obsessive residing in places not named Philadelphia. Send Lager, soft pretzels, and Tastykakes.
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