PRE-GAME:
It was Brian Dawkins night and he came out of the tunnel in typical fashion as he sacrificed a lamb at midfield and threw the severed head into the crowd. Everyone is sent into a frenzy…
YES!! WEAPON X!! RIP GIANT HEADS OFF!! KILL THE PIG, CUT ITS THROAT, BASH IT IN!!!!
INTENSITY LEVEL: 368,743,543,681.65³
1st Quarter:
Vick and Eli are getting murdered on every play, so it’s a win-win.
Defenses = 1 Offenses = 0
2nd Quarter:
No one is scoring or doing much offensively. The red wine from dinner is making me sleepy. SUDDENLY…
JACCPOT SUCKAZ!! WAKE THE PH- UP!!
3rd Quarter:
I hate this stupid ass-clown.
Victor Cruz scores a touchdown and horrible NBC has salsa music cued up. I was sent into a Twitterous rage spewing hateful anti-NBC propaganda.
4th Quarter:
The Eagles take the lead as Alex Henery hits his 4th field goal of the game which is good (yay points!) and bad (score an ph-ing touchdown). I also know his name now since the team cut Henry and brought back Mat “Cowboys Stink” McBriar.
This is Henery. He is not Henry.
Emotional State = Guarded Optimism
However,
1 minute and 34 seconds later = Extreme dread followed by euphoria!
HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! PH-YOU YOU STUPID ASS PH-ING GIANTS!! HOW’S NOT BEING IN FIRST PLACE TASTE?? YOU STUPID ($%&@)$&%(!$ING $*(@&%($@ERS!!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
But then, a cruel M. Night Shyamalan twist!
…May God have mercy on your soul…
INTENSITY LEVEL: 0.014
But then, in our darkest hour, Brian Dawkins opened the Eagles Matrix of Leadership…
You’ve got the touch, you’ve got the power…YEAH!!
…*holding breath, fingers crossed, rocking back and forth, muttering incoherently*…
…*bowels released*…
…!!…
…HAHA!…
…BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!… *fist pumps, high fiving Flyers Cat*…
God Bless America, Brian Dawkins, and the Philadelphia Eagles! *wipes tear*
The moral of the story is: The Eagles own the Giants and always wear a pair of Depends when watching the game. E-A-G-L-E-S! EAGLES!! FIRSTEST PLACE!!
I also must commend Michael Vick for learning how to play the quarterback position. He clearly thought a lot about what he had done during his time in the timeout chair this past week.
*Field Goal GIF from SB Nation.
