MEET THE 2012 PHILADELPHIA EAGLES

It’s finally here!  The Eagles are playing a real game to save us from having to watch the Phillies miracle run into the playoffs and subsequent World Series Championship!  Here’s the breakdown of the Eagles 2012 opening day roster in case you missed it on a thousand other sites…

QUARTERBACKS

Michael Vick                                                    Nick Foles                                       Trent Edwards

The Eagles are one of the few teams in the NFL that everyone is worried more about the starting quarterback than the backups after the preseason.  Nick Foles and Trent Edwards were stellar throughout the preseason and all Vick did was get hurt (twice).  I’m not really hinging the season on Vick’s health mainly because I’ve seen the Eagles win with backups a million times before.  However, Vick should play the entire season wearing the red “no contact” jersey just to be safe.

Koy Detmer and “The Whip”

RUNNING BACKS/FULLBACK

LeSean McCoy                Dion Lewis                   Bryce Brown                   Chris Polk                    Stanley Havili

Carrying four running backs plus a fullback seems a bit cray to me.  However, if they’re able to use all of them this season it’ll pay off.  I would love to see Lewis take some of the load off of McCoy and for Polk and Havili to get some carries and knock someone on their ass.  I would also like to see all five of them on the field at the same time in a new formation that I call the “Screaming Eagle” (patent pending).

The “Screaming Eagle” package. Defenses = Baffled

WIDE RECEIVERS

DeSean Jackson             Jeremy Maclin                  Jason Avant                Damaris Johnson           Riley Cooper

I’m a little surprised that the Eagles didn’t keep six wide receivers on the team.  Especially since everybody had an endless stream of McNutt jokes at the ready.  Jackson, Maclin, and Avant are really good and will gain a ton of yards.  Johnson is fast and Riley Cooper needs to get healthy and start jumping over people and grabbing touchdown passes, just like in Tecmo Super Bowl.

Riley Cooper leaping 20 feet to make the grab.

TIGHT ENDS

Brent Celek                                                          Clay Harbor

Brent Celek and Clay Harbor are both solid tight ends.  They should have good years.  I’m not worried at all about the tight ends on the Eagles…

I’m not worried one bit.

OFFENSIVE LINE

King Dunlap                   Evan Mathis                       Jason Kelce                   Danny Watkins            Todd Herremans

Demetress Bell                              Dallas Reynolds                     Nate Menkin                           Dennis Kelly

It’s always a good thing when your offensive line looks like they belong in Arkham Asylum or on America’s Most Wanted.  Really though, these guys look like they just walked off of a Rob Zombie movie set.  An offensive line needs to be big, strong, and not give a phuck.  It hurts not having Jason Peters around, but if King Dunlap can play well, then the line should be fine.

Howard Mudd, the sociopath coach of the offensive line.

DEFENSIVE LINE

Jason Babin                                     Cullen Jenkins                                Derek Landri                                     Trent Cole

Philip Hunt               Fletcher Cox               Cedric Thornton         Darryl Tapp         Brandon Graham       Vinny Curry

The Eagles defensive line is nasty.  They are so good that 3rd-string rookie Vinny Curry allegedly has two speeds which are “off” and “kill” and he’s not going to play that much.  Every one of these guys will have double-digit sacks.  I imagine all of the defensive line has that, “Let The Bodies Hit The Floor” song pumping through their helmets every play.  It’s going to be Sack City this year and quarterbacks better come strapped with Pampers this season.

KILL!

LINEBACKERS

Akeem Jordan                                                 DeMeco Ryans                              Mychal Kendricks

Brian Rolle                                                   Casey Matthews                                               Jamar Chaney

The linebackers should (Lord willing) be better this year with the additions of Ryans and Kendricks.  It has to be impossible to be worse than last year, so yes, they will be better this year.  If not, they can always bring Jeremiah Trotter back again, which would be awesome since I have his jersey.

Come back!

CORNERBACKS

D. Rodgers-Cromartie          Nnamdi Asomugha           Curtis Marsh                Brandon Hughes        Brandon Boykin

DRC’s name is too long and Nnamdi Asomugha’s name should be in the Scripps National Spelling Bee.  I’m a bit surprised that Joselio Hanson was cut since he knows how to play nickel, but I guess it’s time to let the kids play.  Last year, our corners were supposed to be super dope and they were just kind of dopey instead.  Here’s hoping that the hype of last year turns into reality this year and quarterbacks have no open receivers.

“N-A-H-M-D-E-A-S-S-U-M-E-W-A?” *DING!*

SAFETIES

Nate Allen                          Kurt Coleman                   David Sims                 Jaiquawn Jarrett                  Colt Anderson

Every team has a weakness and the safety position is the SMPhH part of the Eagles.  Send prayers.

SPECIAL TEAMS

Alex Henery                                                         Chas Henry                                        Jon Dorenbos

Who knew that the smart jersey choice years ago would’ve been Jon Dorenbos?  He’s played in every game for nearly 6 straight seasons.  We don’t worry about Dorenbos at all which means that he’s good at what he does.  The Eagles kickoff/punt return abilities should (hopefully) be capable this year with fast as hell rookies Brandon Boykin and Damaris Johnson returning the punts and kickoffs.  They just need to hold onto the damn ball.  I guess since they’re both with the Eagles again this season, I should really get around to learning the difference between Henery and Henry.

Jon Dorenbos played for the 1960 Championship team. Jersey = purchased

MASCOT

Swoop

I’ve never quite figured out exactly what Swoop does.  I believe that he knows that he’ll never be as great as the Phanatic.  So, he doesn’t ever really try that hard and focuses his energy on getting to know the cheerleaders as well as possible.

IN SUMMARY…

If the stupid Giants can win the Super Bowl when they shouldn’t have even been in the playoffs in the first place, then why can’t the Eagles win the Super Bowl?  I think they win the division and then make some noise in the playoffs this year.  Why not?  What I do know is that I’ll be drinking plenty of Les Bowen’s champagne/Pepto mixes throughout this season. FLY EAGLES FLY!!  E-A-G-L-E-S!  EAGLES!!

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About Displaced Phan

Displaced Phan is a Philly Sports obsessive residing in places not named Philadelphia. Send Lager, soft pretzels, and Tastykakes.
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