It’s been awhile since we last provided you with a guide to be the most obnoxious Phillies phan in the enemy ballpark.  However, with a huge series with the Braves underway, the Phillies are in full Ride or Die mode as they try to claw their way back up the standings.  In these desperate times, the Phillies need us to live up to our reputation to the fullest.  Print out this guide and scream at the Braves players until they are reduced to tears…

#1   Tyler Pastornicky = Master Hickey

#4   Paul Yanish = Yawnish

#5   Freddie Freeman = Fingered Freddie

#8   David Ross = Ross Catch For Less

#10  Chipper Jones = Larry Le Douche

#14  Martin Prado = The Devil Wears Prado

#15  Tim Hudson = Jennifer

#16  Brian McCann = You couldn’t hold Chooch’s (fill in the blank)

#17  Jose Constanza = Istanbul Not “Constanza”nople

#20  Eric Hinske = Final Out

#22  Jason Heyward = Wayward Heyward

#24  Michael Bourn = Bourn Loser

#25  Juan Francisco = I Left My Fart In Juan Francisco

#26  Dan Uggla = Bufuggly Fuggla Uggla

#30  Ben Sheets = 3 Sheets to the Wind

#32  Chad Durbin = Dead to Me Durbin

#34  Eric O’Flaherty = Eric O’Flatulence

#36  Mike Minor = Minor League

#39  Jonny Venters = Jonathan Winters

#43  Luis Avilan = Toyota Avalon

#46  Craig Kimbrel = Kim K

#48  Tommy Hanson = Mmmbop

#49  Jair Jurrjens = Wait?  Weren’t you DFA’d??

#50  Cristhian Martinez = Tu hache se confunde.

#54  Kris Medlen = Meddlin’ Kid

The more you scream these names at the Braves, the more distracted, angry, and confused they become.  Do your part and don’t let your team down.  Let’s Go Phillies!  Boo Braves!  High Hopes, Dopes!

About Displaced Phan

Displaced Phan is a Philly Sports obsessive residing in places not named Philadelphia. Send Lager, soft pretzels, and Tastykakes.
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