Everybody knows that Philadelphia phans are the most vile creatures on the planet…
Now, you can show off your phandom and complete lack of human decency all over the USA (and parts of Canada)! It’s easy to be rude and crude at home, but oftentimes it’s difficult to be your full, natural-born, a-hole self in the lair of the enemy. Fortunately, Displaced Phan is here to provide help and guidance. Today, we introduce what will be the first of many guides to assist phans with bringing their A-game to the opposing cities’ stadiums. These guides are created using a technique known as “free association” which was developed by Sigmund Freud and further refined by Carl Jung.
Free association is simple. You just say the first word that pops into your mind when you hear a prompt. For example, if I heard the word “Pirates” I would reply, “Losers for 20 years.” How easy was that? Provided for you now is the “Suck-o’s” (see what I did there?) roster to provide you with the necessary material to scream at players and put on signs to show the entire world on television how super awesome yous(e) are.
#2 Nate McLouth = McDoof or McGoof
#5 Josh Harrison = Embarrassin’ Harrison
#7 Alex Presley = Lisa Marie or Priscilla
#12 Clint Barmes = “No Arms” Barmes
#14 Casey McGehee = Casey McGAYhee*
#18 Neil Walker = Child Stalker
#22 Andrew McCutchen = Andrew McSuckin’
#24 Pedro Alvarez = Petey Poopface
#26 Rod Barajas = Nimrod or “You’re still a BUM” Barajas
# 27 Jeff Karstens = “Who is Jeff Karstens?”
#29 Kevin Correia = Kevin More-GAY-ah*
#30 Chris Resop = ReFlop
#31 Jose Tabata = “Triple A” Jose
#36 Yamaico Navarro = Mendoza Line
#37 Juan Cruz = Joan Screws
#39 Jason Grilli = Milli Vanilli
#44 Tony Watson = Emma
#45 Erik Bedard = Erik Retard (pronounced with a short e, like in The Hangover)**
#46 Garrett Jones = Mrs. Jones
#47 Evan Meek = You won’t inherit nothin’
#48 Jared Hughes = Jared Spews
#52 Joel Hanrahan = Hot Lips Houlihan
#53 James McDonald = Michael McDonald
#55 Michael McKenry = McKendra***
#65 Matt Hague = Fat Plague
You are welcome to print out this handy guide and distribute it to other Phillies phans that may be in attendance at PNC Park. In fact, it’s encouraged, so that you are all on the same page and you’ll have more success getting into the heads of these poor souls.
BOO SUCK-O’S!! LET’S GO PHILLIES!!
**Sorry I used that word, Mom (love you!).