MEET THE 2012 PHILLIES

The Phillies finally play for realsies today.  Since many Phillie phans like to obsessively worry over nothing, I’ve included a worry index to a brief description of each player.  Zero is low, 10 is high.

STARTING PITCHERS

#34 Roy Halladay/RHP (6’6″, 230, 5/14/1977)  Roy Halladay’s wallet says “Bad MotherPh’er” on it.  He’s in perpetual beast mode and the only pitcher that’s older than I am.  Worry index: -34

#33 Cliff Lee/LHP (6’3″, 205, 8/30/1978)  Cliff Lee is a cool cat.  He doesn’t worry about anything.  However, the past couple years he’s either unhittable or it’s a conga line. Thankfully, he’s mostly unhittable.  Whatevs.  Worry index: 1.5

#49 Vance Worley/RHP (6’2″, 230, 9/25/1987)  Vance Worley seems to not give a damn, but in a good way.  He could get shelled one game and then go out and throw a no-hitter. He also got a ton of nicknames last year, which I love.  No sophomore slump for him.  Worry index: 3.5

#35 Cole Hamels/LHP (6’3″, 200, 12/27/1983)  Cole Hamels is going to pitch his brains out this year.  My guess is that he wins the NL Cy Young, with Doc in 2nd, Lee in 3rd, Worley in 4th, and Blanton in 234th.  Worry index: 0

#56 Joe Blanton/RHP (6’3″, 235?, 12/11/1980)  He somehow always pitches the game that you go to.  A lot of people want Joe to do well just so he get’s traded.  I hope he pitches well, the Phillies win the World Series, and then we don’t resign him.  We don’t need Joe to be great, he just needs to be decent.   Worry index: 5

RELIEF PITCHERS

#38 Kyle Kendrick/RHP (6’3″, 210, 8/26/1984)  I feel like most Phillie phans hate Kyle Kendrick.  He has a knack for pitching the game that you go to when Blanton’s on the DL. He’ll be moving into the starting rotation this year if anybody goes down or Joe B. gets traded.  He should have a good year as a long reliever/spot starter.  Worry index: 3.5

#37 Antonio Bastardo/LHP (5’11”, 195, 9/21/1985)  He had a great year last year and you have to love a guy with his kind of surname.  If he has a repeat of last year, we’ll be alright. He’s in the same boat as Worley except that he’s a reliever and you always have to worry about relievers.  Let the ODB references recommence.  Worry index: 4.5

#40 Michael Stutes/RHP (6’1″, 185, 9/4/1986)  I worried a lot about Stutes last year.  I just didn’t think he was a good as everyone made him seem.  He faded big time towards the end of the season.  He also was supposed to start on the DL and now he’s not, which is usually not a good sign.  Worry index: 7

#50 Chad Qualls/RHP (6’5″, 220, 8/17/1978)  Qualls has logged a ton of innings for a reliever over the past few seasons.  His seasons are usually decent.  He needs to be more than decent this year.  He a good reader, too.  M’eh.  Worry index: 6

#55 Joe Savery/LHP (6’3″, 235, 11/4/1985)  He’s the feel good story this year.  He’s gotta be surprised as hell to be on the team.  Unfortunately, he’ll probably be gone when Jose Contreras comes back.  Plus, he can play some first base and maybe even pinch hit.  He hit .291 in his minor league career, so if he hits a home run, we shouldn’t get extra excited like when Cliff Lee hit his last year.  I think he makes the most of it and sticks with the team.  Worry index: 4

#57 David Herndon/RHP (6’5″, 230, 9/4/1985)  You know how there’s always one guy on the roster that you don’t understand why he’s on the roster at all?  Worry index: 9.998

#58 Jonathan Papelbon/RHP (6’4″, 225, 11/23/1980)  Good thing Ruben signed him instead of Madson right?  Closers are always pretty unpredictable, but he’s been great for awhile.  He also seems like he’s nuts.  Cinco-ocho.  I think he’ll give us a near 2008 Lidge-esque season.  Worry index: 3

CATCHERS 

#51 Carlos Ruiz (R/R, 5’10”, 205, 1/22/1979)  Chooch is dope.  He’s torn it up all spring.   He’s always underrated.  He’ll have a good year.  He eats iguanas for breakfast.  Worry index: 1

#23 Brian Schneider (L/R, 6’1″, 210, 11/26/76)  He has to be here only for Worley.  He was pretty brutal last year and I don’t see him doing much better this year.  Older than me.  Seems like a nice guy though.  Worry index: 8

INFIELDERS

#25 Jim Thome (L/R, 6’4″, 250, 8/27/1970)  He’s several years older than me, which in baseball years is ancient.  He needs to play at first twice a week and mash a few home runs.  Dust your jerseys off.  Super nice guy.  Worry index: 5

#13 Freddy Galvis (S/R, 5’10”, 205, 11/14/1989)  Freddie gets his chance at replacing Wilson Valdez.  We’ll also get to hear how many times people mispronounce his last name.  I just figured out that I was pronouncing it incorrectly.  Pronounce it the non-Spanish way.  I think he fills in admirably and also works on his signature.  Worry index: 4

#11 Jimmy Rollins (S/R, 5’8″?, 180, 11/27/1978)  Jimmy is the captain of the ship.  His confidence level is hopefully at 100%.  He’s starting to hit in the 3-hole which is good.  He needs to pop up the 2nd pitch this year instead of the first pitch.  That’ll help wear down opposing starting pitching.  Worry index: 3

#27 Placido Polanco (R/R, 5’10”, 190, 10/10/1975)  Placido is great as long as his body parts don’t fall off.  If he stays in one piece, he should hit near .300.  He’s perpetually a gold-glover no matter what.  Definitely older than me.  Worry index: 5

#24 Ty Wigginton (R/R, 6’0″, 230, 10/11/1977)  I don’t expect too much out of him.  He was hasn’t had that great of a season since 2008.  Maybe a change will do him good.  He’s a dark horse to challenge Polanco for largest cranium on the team.  Older than me.  Worry index: 7

#4 Pete Orr (L/R, 6’1″, 195, 6/8/1979)  He’s Michael Martinez’s replacement.  The Phils are looking to upgrade him day and night.  If he can hit .250, steal some bases, and not make a ton of errors, I’ll be happy.  All about low expectations.  He needs to lay off the sausages.  Worry index: 5

OUTFIELDERS

#3 Hunter Pence (R/R, 6’4″, 220, 4/13/1983)  He’s awesome.  Everybody loves him.  He plays his butt off every day.  It’s too bad that Ed Wade isn’t in Houston anymore and we can’t get their best player this year.  We’ll also get a full season of catch phrases.  Worry index: 0.5

#8 Shane Victorino (S/R, 5’9″, 190, 11/30/1980)  Shane should have a big year this year.  He’s coming off his acting debut.  He could be the team MVP this season if he keeps his ADHD at bay.  Worry index: 1

#10 Juan Pierre (L/L, 5’11”, 175, 8/14/1977)  I always thought the Phillies should get him, but they did it a few years after I first thought it.  He’s older than me, which raises his worry index number.  He should hit for average, but he needs to not get caught stealing 50% of the time.  He also wears his cap under his batting helmet which is dope.  Worry index: 6

#15 John Mayberry, Jr. (R/R, 6’6″, 225, 12/21/1983)  It’s a big year this year.  He finally has his chance to start and prove himself.  I’m rooting for him big-time.  I think that he’ll hit one of the hardest home runs ever this year.  He also loves mermaids (who doesn’t?).  Worry index: 6

#19 Laynce Nix (L/L, 6’1″, 220, 10/30/1980)  He’s David Herndon’s heir apparent.  I don’t know why, but my boo trigger is going to be quick for him.  I have a feeling I’ll be calling him a bum this year.  He’s clogging up a roster spot.  Lots of swing and a miss strike three’s.  Worry index: 9.5

MASCOT

The Phanatic is perfection.  God created him, not man, in his own image.  He’ll be on point all year.  He’ll take his annual shower today.  Worry index: negative infinity

GET WELL SOONS…

Everybody pour one out today. LOVE YOUS!!

IN SUMMARY…

Everybody calm the hell down.  We got this.  People have been hurt every year and it doesn’t matter.  The Phillies led the league in wins the last 2 seasons, won the division 5 years in a row!  Stop trippin’!  World Series or bust!  HIGH HOPES!! GO PHILLIES!!

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About Displaced Phan

Displaced Phan is a Philly Sports obsessive residing in places not named Philadelphia. Send Lager, soft pretzels, and Tastykakes.
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One Response to MEET THE 2012 PHILLIES

  1. Pingback: SO I GOOFED | Displaced Phan

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