RUBEN AMARO, JR SIGNS AN INFANT

In a move that most of the baseball world are viewing as a radical, desperate attempt to save his job, Ruben Amaro, Jr. has signed a one week old infant to a decades-long contract.

Most Adorable Phillie

Most Adorable Phillie

The contract is a complex one and will take several weeks to sort out.  However, some key points were revealed.

1. The Phillies have exclusive naming rights to the child.  Sources are saying that the child’s name most likely would start with the “Ph” digraph.  “Phineas” is believed to be the frontrunner.

2. A special live-in trainer will work with the infant attempting to accomplish a number of goals.

  • The infant will be trained to be ambidextrous to ensure that he will be a switch hitter as well as ultimately both a right and left-handed pitcher.
  • All 9 positions will be taught to the child to make him the very definition of utility player.
  • An “undying devotion to all things Philadelphia Phillies” will be engrained into the child.

3. The contract is for 40 years.  It will expire after the 2054 World Series.  It is believed that the contract could be pushed to 45 years by a series of 5 vesting options.  It is unclear the conditions of the vesting options of this time.

4. Merchandise featuring the likeness of the child will be available for this Christmas.  New merchandise will be available continually as the child develops.

5. The child will wear #40 with a nod to his historic 40-year contract.

6. The contract includes a full no-trade clause.

It is completely unclear at this time the total financial commitment for the Phillies.  Reports have ranged from as low as $40 million to as high as $450 million for the length of the contract.  Either way the Phillies believe that the AAV of the contract will not be detrimental to the club and they will have plenty of financial flexibility to sign other quality players.

Amaro had the following to say about the unconventional signing.  “The Phillies are always on the lookout for ways to improve the club.  By signing this child to a long-term contract, we are committing ourselves to a human being that lives and breathes the Philadelphia Phillies.  By signing him to a 40 year contract, we are gaining a Phillie for life that the phans will love.  He will hopefully lead the team to multiple World Series championships in the 2030’s, 40’s, and 50’s.”

Amaro described the infant as “toolsy” and was “physically gifted for his age”.  Amaro went on to say that the infant would be assigned to the Lakewood BlueClaws once he was able to walk.

“The ability to talk is not important at this stage of the game.  The most important thing is to develop the physical tools and fundamentals first and then the linguistic side of baseball will come naturally,” Amaro explained.

It is expected that the infant will be added to the 40 man roster and a corresponding move will be made early next week.

*this article is also featured on Philliedelphia.com

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About Displaced Phan

Displaced Phan is a Philly Sports obsessive residing over 5,000 miles from Philadelphia. Send Lager, soft pretzels, and Tastykakes!
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2 Responses to RUBEN AMARO, JR SIGNS AN INFANT

  1. terilyns says:

    Lmao this is awesome. Baby Phan is just too adorable. Did you think about naming him Ruben? 😀

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