The most sued mascot in sports, our beloved Phillie Phanatic, is once again in hot water. A woman is suing him for throwing her into a pool. WTPh?? Naturally, I don’t believe a word of the woman’s claim as soon as I heard the phrase “humiliation and loss of life’s pleasures.” Anytime I go anywhere near a pool, I know that there is at least a 50% chance of getting thrown in. If I’m not willing to get thrown into said pool, then I’m going to sit as far away as possible. Way to vilify yourself to an entire fan base. But I digress. The Phanatic needs to get out of another mess with a sue-happy public. If the allegations are indeed true, then surely he was framed. He wisely has assembled a massive legal army to keep him from paying a dime and to clear his good name. Here’s his legal “Dream Team” (sorry)…
Perry Mason always gets his clients off the hook for murder charges. The Phanatic’s lawsuit should be a piece of cake for him. Look for Mason to pin this one on Mr. Met as he most likely has framed The Phanatic. Mason’s courtroom theatrics should be plenty to sway any jury to acquit the Phanatic of any wrongdoing. He charges a hefty fee, but he is worth it.
As you can imagine, the cost of assembling such an epic legal team is enormous. Matlock, however, has agreed to work for only hotdogs. The Phanatic will shoot the hotdogs directly into Ben Matlock’s mouth from his hot dog cannon each Dollar Dog Day for the remainder of this season. Matlock will most likely make the true culprit confess at the last possible moment in dramatic fashion.
The Phanatic was never going to form a legal team without some lovely ladies on it. Christine Sullivan is a public defendant, so she works cheap. She is also one of the most honest lawyers around. The Phanatic likes the fact that she’s easy on the eyes. As long as Dan Fielding can keep away from her, she should be able to do an exemplary job. If the trial goes late into the night, Christine will be called in.
Lionel Hutz will work for pennies. He’ll also do anything to win a case. Lionel Hutz is often associated with losing cases, which is mostly true. However, he has won a case against Satan himself. If Lionel can’t win the Phanatic’s case in under 30 minutes, the Phanatic will get a free pizza. So, it’s a win/win situation. He can also provide any shoe repairs that the Phanatic may need. Hutz is the “wild-card” of the team.
Sarah “Mac” MacKenzie
Mac brings lots of qualifications to the legal team that the others do not possess. She is a commander of Joint Legal Service Center Southwest in San Diego. She is highly trained in the use of firearms so she’ll be able to take out Mr. Met and Dan Fielding’s frisky hands. She can speak at least 3 languages, so if this case goes international, she’ll be able to handle it. Most importantly, she’s gorgeous and along with Christine, looks great in a bikini.
Harvey Birdman is an ex-superhero. His powers include solar rays and the ability to fly. These abilities combined with Mac’s firearm prowess, will allow them to be able to easily eradicate any evildoers from the courthouse. He’s also had experience as a prosecutor, so he can quickly switch roles and immediately prosecute the true culprit. Birdman might not be able to handle too many nighttime courtroom visits as he harnesses the power of the sun to recharge. An added bonus is that Harvey Birdman also has an Eagle named Avenger as a sidekick. E-A-G-L-E-S EAGLES!!
Jackie Chiles will most certainly prove that the Phanatic’s charges are ”lewd, lascivious, salacious, outrageous!” Jackie is used to handling frivolous lawsuits for Cosmo Kramer. He’ll be able to handle the Phanatic’s case easily. Unlike the rest of the legal team, he believes that Screech is the true culprit.
Keep your head up, Phanatic! You’re in good hands!