MY PLAN TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD STATUS UPDATE V

Posted on May 14, 2013 by

As you can see on the map below, displacedphan.com is coming along nicely in its quest for global domination:

WTPh, Greenland and China??

WTPh, Greenland and China??

Here’s some of the latest countries to swear their allegiance to The Displaced Phan Movement.

RUSSIAN FEDERATION:

Russian_Flag_with_map-tile

As any good American kid that grew up in the 80′s, I’m intensely wary of Russians.  I’m more or less convinced that they are all KGB spies.  They also drink 8 glasses of vodka a day, so they’re liable to go in a drunken rage at any second.  Russia is the world leader in the production of hot female tennis players.  My upstairs neighbors are Russian and make odd noises late at night.  Don’t worry, I’ve reported them to the proper authorities.

ISRAEL:

israel-tileEveryone I’ve ever met from Israel has been 100% cool.  That’s a total of maybe 13 people, but still totally great people.  The entire country is a member of the National Army.  For some reason I still haven’t seen Don’t Mess With The Zohan.   However, I’m sure the proud people of Israel are thrilled with Adam Sandler’s performance in it.

BRAZIL:

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I’ve never been to Brazil, but I’m under the impression they just party all day long.  I have had caipirinhas before and those will set you straight quick.  When I was in High School, I had to babysit my littlest brother every day after school.  He loved to watch Barney and the Power Rangers daily.  It drove me nuts.  My sweet reward was that he also watched Xuxa every day (google her) after those two shows.

REPUBLIC OF KOREA:

koreaflag-tileThis is the Korea that doesn’t constantly threaten to kill us.  The guy on the right is Nelson Shin and he helped animate every cartoon you watched since the 70′s.  Korean food is delicious.  Like most of Asia, giant monsters live in their harbors.  I hope Psy is over.

NETHERLANDS:

NETH0001-tileLast Olympics, we learned that their women’s field hockey team is ridiculously hot.  People from here like to drink beer and wear wooden shoes.  They also lure American’s over with their lax laws on fun which helps their GNP.

My thanks go out to all of the new countries that are supporting me and this site (yes, even you Russia).  I look forward to taking over your respective head of states’ residences sometime soon.

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Ph-YOU WEST COAST START TIMES

Posted on May 7, 2013 by

I’m sitting here right now doing nothing.  Why is that?  It’s 9:00 at I should be through at least 4 beers and watching the 6th inning of the Phillies game.  Except I’m not because they’re on a stupid West Coast trip.

SMPhH!!!!!

SMPhH!!!!!

West Coast trips are stupid in every way.  The East Coast has to stay up until 1:00 in the morning to see the end of a baseball game.  It’s awful when the Flyers or Sixers go on West Coast trips.  Those games don’t start until midnight here because of a five-hour time difference.  You may say that the West Coasters have to suffer through early start times whenever their teams come to the East Coast.  That’s where you are very wrong.

It is well-known that the East Coast (especially Northeast) loves sports way more than the West Coast.  West Coasters only root for their teams when it’s convenient and they just shrug it off the rest of the time.  East Coast folks go into a psychopathic rage if they don’t get their daily sports fix.  Plus a 7:20 East Coast start time would be 4:20 in the West Coast.  That’s perfect for all of the stoners in California (AKA the entire populace).

This average Californian couldn't care less about sports.

This average Californian couldn’t care less about sports.

You may be thinking that early start times would interfere with their jobs.  This isn’t true, however, since East Coast people actually have jobs that require hard work and determination.  West Coast people just make themselves look busy and get paid for it.

GET A JOB!!

GET A JOB!!

In summary, the West Coast is dumb.  I hate their stupid sports teams and their moronic three-hour time difference is the worst.  Boo, West Coast, Boo!!  Let’s Go Phillies! Ride or Die! And someone please let me know who won in the morning since I’m a curmudgeon and need to go to bed now.

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THE PHATHERLESS PLOT THICKENS

Posted on May 5, 2013 by

A couple of weeks ago the Phillie Phanatic turned 35 years old.  The Phillies celebrated his birthday on April 21st (his actual birthday is April 25th).  One of his birthday presents was that he was allowed to run the Phillies official Twitter account for a couple of hours before the game.  I took this opportunity to ask a hard-hitting question that been on everyone’s mind for 35 years…

PhatherThe garnered no reply at all.  Hmmm.  Now I know I was being a bit of a jerk asking him such a personal question on his birthday.  However, this was the only opportunity I’ve ever had to actually ask him.  We see his mom, Phoebe, all the time.  In fact, I saw her today at the Mother’s Appreciation Day game.  I just don’t understand all of the secrecy.  Is his father a high-ranking Phillies official (Bill Giles, David Montgomery) and the Phanatic has been receiving favorable nepotistic benefits all of these years?  Phoebe Phanatic seems to be a kept woman as well.  There are no records of her employment anywhere.  The Phanatic could be supporting her, but she seems to be getting more than what his meager mascot pay would allow her.  Since I don’t have any better guess right now, I’m going to say yes.  One of these men is quite likely to be the Phillie Phanatic’s phather and the Phanatic and Phoebe have been living a privileged life as a result.

Phoebe Phanatic, a kept woman?

Is Phoebe Phanatic in a vicious love triangle with top-ranking Phillies brass?

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PHAN MAIL VOLUME ONE

Posted on May 3, 2013 by

I couldn’t think of anything to write which meant that I needed serious help from some Phriends of Phan.  I asked my beloved Twitter phollowers to ask me some questions for the first ever installment of “PHAN MAIL!”  They actually did and I broke out the beer to answer these hard-hitting questions.

“@DisplacedPhan Who would your rather have play center for the Sixers? Andrew Bynum or a flaming bag of turds? Almost forgot…..#PhanMail”–@seaneward1

If you are a reader of this website (obviously), then you know that I swore I’d never mention He Who Shall Not Be Named again.  Like everybody, I was way too excited for Bye Bum to play for the Sixers.  So, I’m going to pick the flaming bag of turds.  They can just sit in the key and not move the entire game.  No one would want to step on it for fear of catching on fire or ruining their shoes.  Smothering defense!  That’s more than #33 ever did.

“@DisplacedPhan why is chase utley so adorable??? #PhanMail :) ” –@MisplacedMomma

Adorablest?

Adorablest?

First of all, he’s a Phillie.  He’s good at what he does.  He also drops Ph-bombs more strategically than anyone on the planet.  Mrs. Phan said he was “cute” once and she couldn’t care less about sports and/or athletes, so that should speak volumes about his adorableness.

“@DisplacedPhan Could Joe Blanton eat more cheesesteaks than Lane Johnson?”–@BlatherNBombast

042613_Johnson-Cheesesteak_600

Tough question.  I’m going to say, Lane Johnson simply because offensive linemen get paid millions to eat as much as possible.  Joe Blanton gets paid to have a sub 4.50 ERA and to not binge on fattening foods.  Plus, I always thought that Joe is/was fat because he slept all the time and didn’t exercise, not necessarily from overeating.

blanton_joe-291x300

“@DisplacedPhan Throwing batteries is not environmentally friendly. What do you think we should throw instead? #PhanMail” –@Southern_Philly (Check out Southern Philly’s site)

This is an excellent question.  Throwing batteries is great because they are small, dense, and can inflict harm on it’s intended target.  I was always a big phan of throwing the giveaways onto the field.  At Dodgers Stadium, they once threw all of the baseballs that were given out onto the field.  I remember that plastic “hand clappers” were thrown onto the ice at a Washington Capitals game.  Mrs Phan and I were at a Phantoms game when people started throwing red rubber noses onto the ice after somebody scored a hat-trick.  The circus was in town and yes it was hilarious.

“@DisplacedPhan would you trade Coburn for a bag of used practice pucks? #PhanMail”–@PhanPhorum

I’m going to say no.  This is why.  I couldn’t stand Matt Carle as everything is and was his fault (#MattCarlesFault).  When he signed with Tampa Bay I was thrilled.  However, the way the defense played most of the year, I actually almost missed him.  So I’m going to say keep Coburn, because the same thing will happen with him.

“@DisplacedPhan I’ve gotten into fights with Mets fans, Marlins fans, Yankees fans,any suggestions on who I should beat up next? #PhanMail” –@philliesphans13

This is easy.  Please beat up a Washington Nationals fan.  Chances are, they aren’t a true fan of the team and they won’t put up much of a fight.  They brought this upon themselves with all of that Natitude nonsense.

flagman

Start with him, PLEASE!!

“@DisplacedPhan How many batteries have you thrown in your life? #PhanMail”–@philliesphans13

I’ve thrown 4 D-cells all at once at Mark Grace’s head.  They were inside my Cub Scout Lantern.  That bum stole a baseball out of my hands twice at a Phillies/Cubs game when I was about 10 and had front row seats.  Never phorgive, never phorget!

BUM!!

BUM!!

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LANE JOHNSON’S CRASH COURSE ON PHILLY MOVIE MARATHON

Posted on April 30, 2013 by

As you already know, our Philadelphia Eagles selected Lane Johnson as their first round draft pick.  Upon being drafted, he said that he understands the passion of Philadelphia phans because he watched the movie, Invincible.

“I just heard the fans are probably the best.  I talked to some of the fans earlier and I watched the movie Invincible.  I mean, the crowd gets rowdy every now and then, that’s what it’s all about.  It’s kind of like Texas, where I come from, if you ever watched Friday Night Lights.  I just think the whole culture here is all about football.”

Now that he’s an Eagle, sources with knowledge of the situation tell me that he spent all weekend watching movie after movie to get as familiar with the Eagles and Philadelphia as quickly as possible.  Here’s a full report of the movies he watched and what information he gathered from them.

danza

The Garbage Picking Field Goal Kicking Philadelphia Phenomenon: All garbagemen are excellent field goal kickers.  And much like Invincible, the Eagles are willing to do whatever it takes to sign a commoner from the general populace to improve the team.

slpSilver Linings Playbook: Girls from Philly are crazy and easy.  They will sleep with you if you do any of the following: attend a hastily put together dinner at their sister’s house where you don’t actually eat; miss Game 4 of the 2008 World Series to sit in a diner; perform a mediocre dance routine in a dance competition.

philadelphia-tile

Philadelphia: Denzel Washington gets what he prays for.  Editors Note: Why the hell didn’t he pray for a Phillies World Series Championship instead of just the pennant?

The Philadelphia Story: People from Philly traditionally get really drunk the night before their wedding and then they wind up marrying someone other than their fiance at said wedding.

Philadelphia Experiment: There’s a time portal in the Philadelphia Harbor that takes you directly to Nevada.  The only drawback is that you wind up 41 years into the future.

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Mannequin/Mannequin Two On The Move: You can turn hot mannequins into real life hot chicks in Wanamakers (I hope he knows it’s a Macy’s now).

trading-places-movie-poster-1983-1020193663-tile

Trading Places:

Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids (Seasons 1-8): You can make any instrument you want out of trash and then sing a song about what you learned that day playing your junkyard instruments.

Baby Mama: A uterus can be T-shaped and you can also get to the University of Pennsylvania’s hospital by crossing the Ben Franklin Bridge into Camden.

blow-out

Blow Out: Women from Philadelphia can’t scream well.

mknighttile

Wide Awake:  Nuns in Philly are allowed to wear Phillies hats instead of habits.

The Sixth Sense: There’s a whole lot of dead people in Philly.

Unbreakable: If your football career doesn’t work out, you can always be a superhero instead.

Signs: There are aliens residing in Bucks County.

Lady in the Water: You can get a cheap apartment that has a decent pool in the city.  The pool may or may not have a woman living in it.

The Happening: Always be nice to plants from Philly.  They are just as vengeful as the humans.

Devil:  Satan lives in Philly.  Editor’s Note: This actually explains a whole lot.

rocky-balboa-poster-tile

Rocky/Rocky II/Rocky III/Rocky IV/Rocky V/Rocky Balboa:  It’s possible to run across the entire city during your morning jog.  Raw eggs make you strong.  Fools need pity.  Russians are evil.  When having a street fight, punch your opponent into a SEPTA bus.  It’s really easy to get a boxing license in Philly.

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WELCOME BACK, SIR CHOOCH!!

Posted on April 27, 2013 by

Chooch has been gone for far too long.  I haven’t even seen Mini-Phan for a month.  He’s been that depressed.  However, the Savior of Our City, the Infallible One, Lord Sir Carlos Chooch Ruiz is coming home, tomorrow.  Phinally!!  If it wasn’t already Sunday, I’d expect all of you to take off from work to commemorate this most joyous occasion.  For your enjoyment and to get you properly hyped for his return, I made this Welcome Home video for Chooch to show how much we missed his general awesomeness at life.  Turn it up to 11 and enjoy!!

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THE EAGLES SELECT…

Posted on April 25, 2013 by

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Because Philly phans are criminally insane, we’re all super excited to watch the Eagles select a bunch of relatively unproven talent.  The draft in any sport is a complete crap-shoot.  This year is extra difficult because all of the players are kind of in the “yeah, he’s a nice player” category instead of “that guy is an ph-ing beast.”  In 2012, the Eagles were able to actually select some decent players for once.  Because they stink, they hold the #4 pick in the draft which they better not screw up.

Last year I was able to correctly predict that the Eagles would pick Fletcher Cox with their first pick.  This year, I think they may trade down.  I was going to not so boldly say that they were going to pick Eric Fisher (Central Michigan).  However, I just read that stupid Andy Reid is now going to take him with the first pick.  I’m not sure if Luke Joeckel (Texas A&M) will fall down to #4.  I think that someone gives them a sweet deal to trade down.  However, if not, your Philadelphia Eagles will select…

1. Dion Jordan DE/OLB (Oregon)

2. Lane Johnson OT (Oklahoma)

3. Sharif Floyd DT (Florida) if he’s even there.

Chip’s going to take his boy.  He’s shown repeatedly that he likes people that he already knows.  I would love for them to trade down a couple of spots and get Dee Milliner (Alabama).  I want that defense to get nastified.  The Eagles have a ton of needs and I just hope they can get a bunch of Future Hall Of Famers to put these hats on their heads.

draft hat

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