I haven’t abandoned hope on trying to find out the identity of the Phillie Phanatic’s phather.  After examining the possibilities of Bill Giles, David Montgomery, Gary “Sarge” Matthews, Tim McCarver, and Mr. Snufflelupagus, the trail seemed to have died a year ago.  However, it was renewed again yesterday as I read Tom Burgoyne and Len Epstein’s book, The Phillie Phanatic’s Galapagos Islands Adventure, to Baby Phan One.  Look at this picture from when The Phanatic visits his motherland of Phanatic Town in the Galapagos Islands.

20140728_085817Do you see him lurking in the shadows?  Do you see him viewing The Phanatic from afar??

eyesThe entire populace of Phanatic Town is out celebrating the arrival of their hero, The Phillie Phanatic, except for that solitary pair of eyes.  Surely this is The Phanatic’s missing (more likely deadbeat) phather.  He’s clearly too ashamed to show his face to his son and atone for his phailures.  He couldn’t even come out to wave goodbye.  SMPhH…

20140728_085843The worst part in all of this was that The Phanatic was so close to learning the truth.  Unfortunately, the continued cowardice of his phather prevented this from happening.  I am determined to find the truth.  It’s what The Phanatic deserves.

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The Phillies are in a bind.  The trade deadline is rapidly approaching and they don’t really have anybody to trade.  Jimmy Rollins and Chase Utley don’t want to leave.  A.J. Burnett, Cliff Lee, and Jonathan Papelbon all just crapped the bed in front of a stadium full of scouts.  Carlos Ruiz just had a concussion.  Even John Mayberry, Jr. is hurt.  Teams aren’t going to give up what RAJ wants for Cole Hamels.  The phans want a trade and the team needs a trade.  Somebody simply must get traded.  Enter, Reid Brignac.

(Photo by Drew Hallowell /Getty Images)

(Photo by Drew Hallowell /Getty Images)

Why would anybody want Reid Brignac?  Because he wins baseball games.  Brignac is 6th on the Phillies in batting average, 5th in on-base and slugging percentage, 4th in OPS and OPS+, and he’s 3rd in BAbip.  The most important statistic is that Reid Brignac leads the entire MLB in “walk-off win” (WOW) rate.  He has a WOW of 3.03.  This means that in over 3% of his plate appearances, he will hit a walk-off hit.  He has 2 walk-offs in 66 plate appearances thus far in 2014.  If you translate that into a full season (600 at bats), Reid Brignac is personally going to win 18-19 games for your team.  Nobody else in the Majors even comes close.

The Phillies should get quite the haul for someone who is this valuable to a team’s success.  This is even more true when you account for his miniscule salary impact ($449,000).  Plus, he doesn’t become a free agent until after the 2016 season has concluded.

Which teams would be interested in a player that makes them win 18 more games a season?  All of them would.  DO IT RUBE!

**this article also appears on


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I finally received a postcard from my long deported clone of Carlos Ruiz, Mini-Chooch today!  I hadn’t heard from him in ages.  It seems as if he is doing well playing lots of baseball.  I was hoping to Skype with him, or at the very least receive an actual letter (email even), but I suppose this will have to do.  I’m deeply concerned about his handwriting though.  His English grammar skills seem to have deteriorated as well.  Oh well, it’s just awesome to hear from the little guy, I miss him so.  I deciphered the message for those of you that can’t read his chicken-scratch and included a transcript below.

postpost222“Hola, I am having a good fun playing baseball.  My teachers explain me a lot.  We win the other team.  Te amo and un abrazo.  Mini-Chooch.”

What a sweetheart!

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Mrs. Phan and I welcomed our newest edition to the Phan Clan two weeks ago.  “Baby Phan 2: The Reckoning” is a healthy and sleepy baby boy.  Much like the birth of his sister, Baby Phan, I got right to work doing what any Phather of the Year candidate should do.  I began to teach my son how to root for Philly teams.  Observe.

20140716_230345As you can see, he’s already a huge Phillies phan.  Fortunately, he has no concept of winners and losers at this early stage.  Soon I will begin to teach the ways of the Eagles and then the Flyers and Sixers.

It’s not an easy task to teach your children who to root for when you’re displaced.  Thankfully, I’m not currently living in an area that is home to any major teams.  It’s just a mashup of all sorts of different people.  There’s some Cowboys fans that live around the corner, but my shotgun keeps them off my property.

I think I’ve done a fairly decent job at teaching the original Baby Phan about Philly sports.  She has been able to identify all 4 major teams for over a year and when she chooses a color, she will relate it to one of the teams.  Red for the Phillies.  Green for the Eagles.  Orange for the Flyers.  Blue for the Sixers.  She doesn’t really like the color yellow (stupid Pittsburgh), which is awesome.

Baby Phan has also been able to appropriately boo opposing teams for some time now.  I didn’t even really teach her, she just naturally did it.  I think there’s a booing gene that gets passed down.  Time will tell if she’ll ever truly be interested in Philly sports.  If for some horrific reason she isn’t, at least I now have a backup plan.

Needless to say, I was prepared for Baby Phan 2.  This was thing first thing his little precious baby eyes saw (as I pushed the doctor out of the way)…


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In a move that most of the baseball world are viewing as a radical, desperate attempt to save his job, Ruben Amaro, Jr. has signed a one week old infant to a decades-long contract.

Most Adorable Phillie

Most Adorable Phillie

The contract is a complex one and will take several weeks to sort out.  However, some key points were revealed.

1. The Phillies have exclusive naming rights to the child.  Sources are saying that the child’s name most likely would start with the “Ph” digraph.  “Phineas” is believed to be the frontrunner.

2. A special live-in trainer will work with the infant attempting to accomplish a number of goals.

  • The infant will be trained to be ambidextrous to ensure that he will be a switch hitter as well as ultimately both a right and left-handed pitcher.
  • All 9 positions will be taught to the child to make him the very definition of utility player.
  • An “undying devotion to all things Philadelphia Phillies” will be engrained into the child.

3. The contract is for 40 years.  It will expire after the 2054 World Series.  It is believed that the contract could be pushed to 45 years by a series of 5 vesting options.  It is unclear the conditions of the vesting options of this time.

4. Merchandise featuring the likeness of the child will be available for this Christmas.  New merchandise will be available continually as the child develops.

5. The child will wear #40 with a nod to his historic 40-year contract.

6. The contract includes a full no-trade clause.

It is completely unclear at this time the total financial commitment for the Phillies.  Reports have ranged from as low as $40 million to as high as $450 million for the length of the contract.  Either way the Phillies believe that the AAV of the contract will not be detrimental to the club and they will have plenty of financial flexibility to sign other quality players.

Amaro had the following to say about the unconventional signing.  “The Phillies are always on the lookout for ways to improve the club.  By signing this child to a long-term contract, we are committing ourselves to a human being that lives and breathes the Philadelphia Phillies.  By signing him to a 40 year contract, we are gaining a Phillie for life that the phans will love.  He will hopefully lead the team to multiple World Series championships in the 2030’s, 40’s, and 50’s.”

Amaro described the infant as “toolsy” and was “physically gifted for his age”.  Amaro went on to say that the infant would be assigned to the Lakewood BlueClaws once he was able to walk.

“The ability to talk is not important at this stage of the game.  The most important thing is to develop the physical tools and fundamentals first and then the linguistic side of baseball will come naturally,” Amaro explained.

It is expected that the infant will be added to the 40 man roster and a corresponding move will be made early next week.

*this article is also featured on

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As everyone knows our madman Captain, Claude Girouxxx, got freshman year of college hammered on Canadian 4th of July (July 1st) and repeatedly grabbed a male cop’s ass.  Now for pretty much all fanbases, this would be disastrous.  The torment from the opposition would be unrelenting.  However, for the best phans in the world, we handled it rather well.  My reaction went something like this (total time approximately 45 seconds):

1. What?

2. Chuckled heartily.

3. Wait, it was a male cop??

4. Oh, man…

5. Laughed really hard.

6.girouxxxWhat happened next, was a deluge of jokes made by Philly phans on Twitter that pretty much covered the gamut of this ass-grabbing escapade.  There was nothing left for the other (lesser) fanbases to make fun of.  By mid-afternoon, not many people were even talking about it anymore as they were on to the next thing, which was how hot it was and posting a picture of a thermometer to prove it.  So once again, Philly phans, you’ve proved to the world that we’re the best there is.  Let’s Go Flyers and Let’s Go Misguided Attempts at Humor!


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It was well-known when the detestable Dallas Cowboys beat our majestic Philadelphia Eagles on October 20th, that local hero and Phillie, Domonic Brown, tweeted a tweet that sent our hearts into a fury.  I was one of the first responders.  Via CBS Philly:

Via CBS Philly.

In a drunken rage, I immediately unfollowed Dom due to his typical Cowboy fan (AKA not from Dallas) antics.  I didn’t really miss him much until yesterday when he tweeted this from his Instagram…

DomPhanaticLoveThis was the best thing I saw all day.  Then I saw this…

capture-20140114-064836Sweet Lord!  Not only is Dom Brown living my boyhood (and adult) dream of playing for the Phillies, but he’s also BFF’s with the Phanatic?!?  I’m beyond jealous.  If Dom is this close of friends with the Phanatic, there’s no way he can be that bad of a guy (despite not loving the Eagles), right??.  Perhaps I should finally forgive him.  Spring Training is only a month away and I can’t go into the 2014 Phillies season hating one of the key members of the team.  My icy heart is melting…

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